


Until The Rain Stops

by winter_scldier



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-07
Updated: 2016-08-14
Packaged: 2018-07-29 21:12:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 6
Words: 3,152
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7699798
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/winter_scldier/pseuds/winter_scldier
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He's dying, and they didn't give him long. They gave him till the rain stops.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Silver

The bullet pierced through his armor, grazing his lung. His internal bleeding would go unnoticed for far too long, until it ends with him lying in the hospital. Only then does he confess his love, and only then it is too late.

+++++++++++++++++

Bucky sat up in his bed screaming, drenched in sweat. His nights had been plagued with nightmares for weeks. He was constantly reliving his tortures, his worst memories, over and over again. Steve would always rush into his room, always worried something was wrong. Bucky began to memorize his touch. He would gently shake him, trying to snap him out of his pain and agony. It was calming to him. Steve did the same tonight. Gently resting his hands on his shoulders, he would lightly shake him back to reality.

It was the middle of the night, but he wouldn't get anymore sleep that night. He told Steve that he was alright, that it was just another bad dream. Steve had a mission the next day, and he needed his rest. He reluctantly left the room, saying he was right next door if he needed anything. Bucky appreciated it, but he never came to Steve. He had never told him all of what Hydra did to him. He didn't deserve to know.

Bucky waited awhile before turning on his lamp and opening a book. They were his new way of escape, as well as his ticket to history. He needed to learn everything he could. He had a plan to join SHIELD, but he didn't know if he would be able to. Multiple agents still considered him the enemy, despite the good things he had done for them. Steve had tried to convince them multiple times, but it never seemed to work. But he would keep trying. He always did.

+++++++++++++++++

The next thing Bucky knew, the sun was up. He heard the front door close, and he knew Steve had gone. There were times where he would be gone weeks at a time, and Bucky would sit alone, with no one to talk to but himself. There were times when he wouldn't speak until Steve came back, just because he didn't want to go crazy. Other SHIELD agents would check up on him while Steve was gone, and he would always tell them the same thing. He would tell every agent that he was doing perfectly fine, despite the fact that he wasn't. 

There were times he would try to starve himself, but he didn't know why. He would bang his head against the wall, but he didn't know why. He would try to make himself feel what he felt for decades on end, just to feel something familiar. It was heartbreaking. Steve would sometimes find his bruised and bleeding on the floor and drag him onto the couch, and silently treat his wounds. Bucky knew that it was wrong of him to make Steve do that, but he couldn't stop himself. And not a day went by where he didn't regret it.


	2. Scarlett

Bucky found himself watching the news for hours everyday, trying to see if he could figure out what Steve's mission was. He would tell himself that he could help, that he wasn't useless, but deep down he knew he was. Steve was keeping him home to keep him safe, and it was breaking him. He just didn't have the heart to tell him how he really felt. There were days where he wanted nothing more than to shoot himself and end it all, but he wouldn't do that to Steve. Not again.

+++++++++++++++++

Him and Steve would go to the gym sometimes, being some of the only times Bucky left their small apartment. He was constantly being stared at, and he would see nothing but fear in them. He found himself wearing long sleeves, even in the heat of July, in an attempt to hide his arm. The thing that made him a monster. 

Steve always carried a weapon with him whenever they went out together. He didn't want Bucky to know, but he was always worried. He carried it for multiple reasons, such as: if someone tried to attack them. Or, if Bucky were to lose all control, he would fire. The thought pained Bucky everyday. Knowing that he could lose his mind at any second, and Steve was legally aloud to neutralize him. 

But he would want Steve to do it if it was necessary. He didn't want to hurt anyone anymore than he already had. But he knew he would never do it. He cared about him too much to watch him die again. But he kept a gun hidden in his room. If Steve didn't have the strength to kill him, he would do it himself. He would rather die with some dignity then rot in a prison cell until they ended him.

+++++++++++++++++

According to the news, Steve and the other Avengers had a mission in Brazil. There were casualties as usual, but there was nothing they could do to stop that. People would just be in the wrong place at the wrong time.

+++++++++++++++++

Steve came home in the middle of the night a few days later. The first thing Bucky noticed were the freshly healed injuries he had sustained. He would always tell Bucky that he would be alright, and not to worry about him. Then he would ask if Bucky had eaten that day. He would normally lie and say yes, but he didn't that day. He didn't know why, but he did. Steve sighed sadly and walked into the kitchen to grab some food for him.

"I don't know what they did to you back then Buck, but you're safe now. You need to eat."

He brought him over a sandwich and sat down beside him. 

"You need to take care of yourself Buck. You've lost a lot of weight recently, and it's not healthy. I'm worried about you."

He didn't know what to do. It was unfair for him to do this to Steve. His mind just couldn't comprehend going back to a normal life. It pained him that he couldn't be the person Steve needed him to be.


	3. White

His dreams replayed the constant memories of his past. Memories of torture, memories of his life being stripped away. He remembered when he would have no contact, no food, for days on end. He felt shadows of the pain he endured. Every electric shock, every pang of starvation. He still didn't have all his memories back, but he imagined it might be better for him mentally if he kept those away.

He somehow managed not to scream as he shot up from the bed again. His hair was matted to his face in sweat and tears, and he felt sick to his stomach. He stood up and grabbed a fresh shirt from one of his drawers before walking out into the living room to find Steve eating breakfast. There was a bowl set out for him on the counter. He smiled at that. 

"We're almost out of milk but I'm going shopping later. Do you want anything?"

Bucky froze at the words. Nobody had asked him what he wanted in decades. 

"I uh.. want to come with you," he said quietly. "I'll wear my jacket and a hat. I just can't stand being in this goddamn apartment anymore."

Steve gave him a nod of understanding.

"Just promise me Buck, don't make me hurt you. Please." 

Bucky couldn't meet his eyes, and it broke him apart inside. He had to turn around to hide the pain he felt growing within him.

"I can't promise you that Steve. You know I can't. But promise me Steve, if i hurt anyone, you take your gun and you shoot me. You do anything you can to stop me from hurting anybody else. I'm tired of being a threat Steve." He wiped a few tears from his eyes before turning back to face Steve. "Promise me."

Steve didn't say anything. He made no promises, and Bucky watched with agony as Steve stood up and went to his room. He came back with a handgun. He held it out to him.

"I don't want a gun Steve. If i lose it, the last thing I need is a weapon."

Steve pulled it back and put it in the waistband of his pants. He could tell Steve was trying his hardest not to break down in tears. His best friend asked him to end his life, and that's not something you want to hear. 

+++++++++++++++++

Steve didn't want to admit it, but he was right. It was a danger to even be around him a lot of the time, but he couldn't force himself to tell that to him. He cared for him, and he loved him. He couldn't force himself to say goodbye again. But even so, He didn't want Bucky to sit in a maximum security cell in the SHIELD base, or even a prison. In truth he needed Bucky just as much as he needed him, even though many people saw him as a threat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ooh so much dialogue in this chapter nice


	4. Faded

Bucky woke up handcuffed to his bed in what felt like the next morning. He flinched at the sulking pain in his leg. 

"Oh my god..." He thought to himself. "Oh my god who did I hurt this time..."

Panic grew within him as he tried to recall what had happened. He remembered walking into the store with Steve, but he didn't remember waking out. He remembered a loud bang, but he didn't remember from who. He needed Steve. He needed to make sure that he was alive. 

He called out to him, in a panic, tears welling in his eyes. His screams became louder and more frantic. He couldn't help his voice from shaking as tears fell from his eyes. He came into the room a few minutes later, but he had a look of disappointment on his face that he only ever received from his parents. 

"Steve..." He begged. "Please tell me who I hurt this time..."

He sighed slightly and hesitated before unlocking the handcuffs and sitting down at the end of the bed. 

"We got to the store, and it was almost a successful trip. But there was someone with a gun. He came in, and he killed at least three people. I tried to get you out of there...I really did. You shoved me away, and I don't know really what happened. You charged at him and took him down, but you didn't stop. I tried to calm you down...but you wouldn't listen. You attacked an innocent woman, and I had to pull my gun on you...and I fired. I didn't want to hurt you...I really didn't."

He sighed. He didn't have the heart to tell him that he shot him too.   
++++++++++++  
Bucky tried to cover his face in shame. 

"Why didn't you kill me?" He asked, partially angry. "Why didn't you pull your gun out sooner? Why didn't you shoot me in the head?"

Tears kept streaming from his eyes. 

"I don't want to be the villian Steve. You shouldn't shot me sooner."

He figured he'd be all over the news again. Sooner or later, SHIELD and every police officer within two hundred miles to have him arrested, and there was nothing that Steve could do about that.   
+++++++++++++  
He looked out the window sadly trying to forget about what had happened. It was raining.


	5. Crimson

Bucky didn't leave the house for hours after that. He sat on his bed, watching the rain pour down his window and onto the fire escape. Agony and despair welled up in his heart, and he couldn't push it away. Part of his mind had no remorse for hurting them, and he hated it. Nobody ever deserves to get hurt because of him. 

Every boom of the thunder made him flinch. He would hear Steve stop walking around or whatever he was doing for a few moments as he held his breath. He would grip his bed, praying that he wouldn't lose what little sanity he had left. 

He wanted to die, but at his own hands. He wanted to die in a way where no one got hurt. But that never happens. No death is without saddens. No loss is without mourning. The thought ripped him apart on the inside. If only he died from the train.   
+++++++++++++  
He looked out his window again. The rain was starting to slow. 

"The storm always passes," he said to himself. "Maybe I should too." 

He took a small pistol out of his nightstand and looked at it, tears welling in his eyes. He thought about all the good he'd done. He remembered being there with Steve as they freed the hundreds of men from the Hydra base, he remembered protecting Steve from every childhood bully, every abuser. But those times were over now. Every good deed, erased by the past seventy years of evil. 

He took the gun in his read hand, and raised it shakily to his head. Tears poured from his eyes as he struggled to find a better answer. It was no use. 

 

Before he could pull the trigger, there was a loud crash from the living room. He froze, and waited for a response. A sudden wave of anxiety hit him, and he burst through the door to find Steve collapsed on the ground, blood pooling in his mouth.


	6. Black

Tears poured from his eyes as he started screaming for help. He didn't know what to do. He was built to destroy, not to help. Their neighbor Sharon eventually came running over, weapon in hand, and almost shot him. He begged her to help him. He begged her to call somebody, all while repeating that it was all his fault. She called an ambulance, and Bucky sat there in a heap on the floor, blaming himself.

Sharon convinced them to take him to a SHIELD hospital so Bucky could go with him and not be arrested. She helped him into the ambulance after Steve, and he sat there clutching his hand the entire time. Everyone knew that he had caused this, they all knew this was coming. Steve hadn't gotten any help besides getting the bullet out of his chest, but it was no use. And so Bucky sat there in silence, knowing deep down inside that Steve would die, and it would be all his fault.

When they got to the hospital Bucky refused to leave his side. He followed hastily behind the doctors, but forced himself to resist once they went into a room labeled "operating room". The nurses led him to a small observation room, which he reluctantly went into. The entire time he sat there, alone in the room, he kept telling himself that it was his fault. If he hadn't been selfish and wanted to leave, Steve wouldn't be dying on an operating table.

He collapsed to his knees and broke down in sobs. He pounded on the tile floor, screaming that he deserved to die. People would stare through the door as they passed, but no one had the courage to enter and calm him down. 

He clutched his head in agony as he screamed. He felt himself slowly going insane as visions of himself shooting Steve flashed through him, and he hated himself for it. 

"He would be better off if you died from the fall."  
+++++++++++++++++  
He regained his composure after another ten minutes. He stumbled his way over to one of the small chairs in the room and sat sown, trying to wipe his face of sweat and tears. He had heard someone lock to door to the room he was in but he didn't care. All he cared about was Steve. 

He watched the operation, his eyes blurred from tears. It felt like hours before he saw one of the surgeons look at the others and shake his head sadly before looking up at him through the glass. They started to sew his chest back up, and a nurse and security guard ushered him out of the room and into a small and empty waiting room. They said one of the surgeons would be there soon to explain to him what would happen next.

He showed up about five minutes later and sat down in front of him with a sad sigh. He tried his best to ignore the armed guard standing in the hallway as he watched the surgeon, anxiety quickly building within him.

"I'm afraid..." he started. "I'm afraid there is nothing we can do to stop his internal bleeding. At this point, the most we can do is keep him comfortable. But there is no telling how long he has."

He forced himself to sit there, to tune out every ounce of anger and despair that he felt in his heart. He mouthed a simple thank you before standing up and walking out into the hall. They were taking Steve into a private room, and he followed slowly after. He quickly wiped away his tears as he walked into the room. He waited until everyone was gone before grabbing Steve's had as gently as he could, trying not to pull out any of the IV's coming out of him.

"I'm sorry Steve," he said, his voice shaking as he held back tears. "I should've listened to you, you were just trying to keep us safe. I never should've gone with you...Please don't die pal...I need you. You were the only one that could keep me sane...the only one who could hold me down when I lost my mind...please don't die..." 

He couldn't help himself anymore. He let loose all the sorrow he had in his heart, then and there. 

"I'm going to die without you. You were the only person keeping me from being executed, and you won't be here anymore. I'm not ready to die Steve...please don't make me die..."

Steve stirred, and turned his head to look at him, giving his hand a gentle squeeze. "I'm with you to the end of the line, Buck. I love you..."

His head relaxed against the pillow, and the beeping of his heart monitor went flat. He sat there in shock and disbelief for a moment, before resting his face in his hand and screaming.  
+++++++++++++++++  
He attended the funeral, but he was detained by SHIELD agents. He didn't have much time left. Not many people saw him as trustworthy anymore after what he did to Steve, so they were going to kill him. As soon as it was over, they brought him to the execution room. A few tears ran down his cheeks as he waited for the bullets to pierce his chest, and he gladly accepted death as it came to him. He was tired of being the villain.


End file.
